Reflections on Relationships

As social beings none of us have lived in complete isolation and have experienced many levels and emotional depths of relationships. 

The relationships we form as infants are purely based on emotions and our need for security.  Usually this is provided by our care givers and while many of us have experienced trauma during our childhoods, in the majority of cases we have also received a form of care giving and love. 

When we are too young to fend for ourselves we are reliant on our care givers and form strong beliefs about what care and love looks and feels like.  We also form the foundations of who we are in that dynamic and what is acceptable and what is not.

Through my own reflections of my childhood and the relationships I have formed, cultivated, nurtured and ended I have come to some realisations that are both challenging and transformative.

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” — Sharon Salzberg

I totally believe that we are always where we are supposed to be.  The universe does not make mistakes and the challenges that present will aid us to reflect and stretch our beliefs and world view if we approach them with a curiosity about ourselves and the relationships we form.

The connections we are attracted to give us vital clues to understand the perceptions we hold about ourselves.  There is no room for blame and judgement only growth and learning. 

What do we believe we deserve?

Are we attracted to loving caring relationships?

Does our behaviour sabotage friendships?

It sounds like a cliche but our external relationships mirror our internal perceptions of who we are, what we expect, and our own acceptance of ourselves.  How can we expect to have nurturing relationships when we do not even acknowledge our own needs.

What if we could use the external relationships to gauge how we value ourselves?

What if we could explore the elements of the relationships that don't work out, not for condemnation and criticism, but to learn and to break the pattern of painful and disempowering connections.  To stop the same cycle replaying that has previously supplied further evidence of not being enough or loveable.

When we are emotionally hurt it is natural to withdraw and there is good reason.  It is time for grieving and an opportunity for reflection not just on the other person in the equation, but to look at ourselves in a compassionate and understanding way and notice the wounds and detrimental beliefs that have been playing out.

How can anyone else approve of us until we do?

It is in the times of retreat that we have the power to redirect.  We are all wired for connection and the period of withdrawal is not supposed to be indefinite.  It is a review and chance to heal and  transform, to treat ourselves with the nurturing that maybe we did not experience in our infancy, but can now in our adulthood bestow on ourselves.

We don't have to be perfect to be in any form of empowering and positive relationship with others, but we do require a level of emotional development that does not trigger defensiveness and perceive attack at every corner.

When we can observe relationships that provoke an emotional reaction and manage to remain objective with an ability to keep a level of distance, we have learnt acceptance of ourselves.  It does not mean we don't feel any emotion, but it opens the ability to step back and assess from a more rounded perspective of 'I know who I am'.  Alignment with my strengths, my weaknesses, what makes me happy, what triggers me and I accept them all as parts of me.

“Self‑acceptance is my refusal to be in an adversarial relationship to myself.” — Nathaniel Branden

When we no longer feel the necessity to mold ourselves to the will of the individual that has been pressing our buttons it is the result of no longer requiring external validation.  In place of losing ourselves comes an ability to speak from a place of balance and safety.  Whilst being emotionally invested there is a knowing that when we had previously felt compelled to crush ourselves at someone's will and mold into that square hole to make the relationship work it is not going to create a relationship of equality and mutual respect let alone any form of true love.

Relationships of all varieties are dynamics that require balance.  When one of the individual's energies is being pushed into submission and the other is dominant it lacks equilibrium and neither is grounded in their own divine power or thriving in a nurturing partnership.

There is no need to have power over others or to diminish ourselves.  Relationships that accept our frailties and celebrate our individuality,  not only raise and support us but all of our energetic network of relationships.

I have been blessed to be challenged and hurt in my pursuit of finding the essence of who I am and I attribute that in part to my curiosity about those around me and the modalities I have pursued to understand both.

I love to support others in their quest to use their skills and resources to overcome their self deprecation, discover their true essence and celebrate the light they came to shine.

karen4@e-motionalsolutions.co.uk

www.e-motionalsolutions.co.uk